Third Time is the Charm! [Oh, and screw Kuiper]

“Third Time’s the Charm, wherein the Halfday Heroes, having nearly met with destruction at the hands of foul and uncouth priests, do return, and visit upon the same a wellspring of chastisement.” - chapter heading from The Halfday Heroes, a history, by Dresden the Bard.

Picking up from where we left off: the heroes stood, heaving the remnants of panic breaths, just beyond the maw of the Garlstone Mines. While Erlan stared speculatively at the moon, Rowyn reminded the party that she needed to collect Grr from the Carmen Mines, where he had been entrusted to some workers. She and Aurian were both blind. Grasping the arms of their allies, they made their benighted way across the treacherous pre-dawn landscape.

Aurian had never faced priests of this caliber or nature before, and it frightened him. Although he was sure that the blindness which afflicted him would either fade or could be removed by his betters at the church, he found it shocking to see his own powers, darkly mirrored by the apostles of an evil god, used to stir such havoc. At the same time, he felt emboldened at the realization that his own magic, when rightly applied, might produce a similar affect on the villains themselves, as it had on the Ginger. As Erlan led him along, however, he couldn’t help but feel that the elf, now strangely taciturn, had suffered a dent to his own faith. But there was no time to speak of it.

Having put that small paragraph of psychodrama behind them, the party arrived at the Carmen Mines, where they were hailed (warily) by two guards. Upon seeing the party in such a state, and upon hearing that the party was perhaps being dogged by a group of zombies and other malefactors, the guards began to freak out. Rowyn asked whether they knew of a connection between the Carmen and the Garlstone Mines, which they denied; they did suggest, however, that someone in town, someone like the oldest person in town, might know. Who that oldest person could be, however, they were unsure. His name eluded them. Was it Derkaster? No. Go figure.

Rowyn collected Grr from the guards just as her sight, and Aurian’s, returned. The spell that blinded them each had been a light spell, in that case. After agreeing to deliver a message to Darius Carmen RE: What The Fuck Is Going On, the party hit the dusty trail and arrived in Milbourne shortly thereafter.

The party power-healed, armed themselves to the teeth, and returned to the mines, where they–just kidding. That’s only what the party thought they were going to do.

Actually, the party bubbled up and quickly lost focus regarding all the carefully laid plans about avoiding NPCs and such that had been made previously. It was all basically for the best, though.

Upon reaching town, Aurian and Dresden called at Carmen’s home, where Aurian insisted that the master be woken. Having been welcomed in, they laid down some facts for DC which were met with alarm. The wary Carmen offered ten platinum coins and a missive to Dresden, with the intention of withdrawing his workers and guards from his own mines at once, as he felt they were in danger. Aurian spoke with the landowner a bit longer before accepting his gracious offer of a warm bath and a soft bed.

Meanwhile, the rest of the party found Garyld ready for action on his own lawn, with his bowstring drawn and vague premonitions running through his brain. He agreed to send word of the night’s foul deeds to Count Palfrey. Rowyn asked him who the oldest person in town was, and was told that it was probably Old Grizzler, that dwarf we ignored so many sessions ago as he sat on the half-bridge lucratively, fishing with a gold exclamation point above his head.

Most of the party, I believe, went to the Baron of Mutton to hit the hay, and deservedly so. Dresden, along with Vance and Nanoc, made their way back to the mines and aided in the mass exodus of Carmen’s men. They split ten platinum between them for this minor service (fuckers). By the time they returned to Milbourne word had spread, inducing (no doubt) the outlying farmers to seek the safety of numbers also, and Milbourne looked like a damn carnival. At some point here Vance saw Andren, Jileneth’s beau, being -eh-i’m-not-so-sure about the crossbow he was wielding, and decided to give the young man an impromptu training session. I think it ended with them making out. Or no, it actually ended with there being no targets or room for the training, so Vance might have shown him some sword techniques instead, or something. Yeah.

Erlan had spent the night administering healing care to the party at the Baron of Mutton, but the morning arrived with a crash. The town was swarming with inhabitants. Aurian memorized enough curative spells to put everyone back to max, or damn near, and then cast them as appropriate. Then he cast Idea, for the first time, and received a strange omen which implored him to remember Andren’s initial description of his lost love. As Aurian relayed this vision, a bell went off in someone’s head–I think it was Jason’s, but forgive me if I’m wrong. He recalled the ring we had found with a J carved on it. Half of us had no fucking idea what ring he was talking about. Was it the one from the fat chi–I mean halfling’s–hand that we found? No, Jason said (definitely him this time). It was the ring we found on one of the dead bodies in the mines, it was the body of a guard wearing chain mail armor or whatever. We rushed down stairs and showed it to Andren.

Poor Andren. The ecstatic look on his face said it all. “Where did you find this?” he asked. “On a dead body in the mines,” we said, and then–at the graying of his visage–”but not Jileneth’s!”

Outside the game, going back in time five seconds, we all sat on the edges of our fucking seats. At Bill’s assertion, as Andren, that the ring was indeed Jileneth’s, at least three people went “Yes!”, at least one person leaped out of their chair (me lol), and there was much clapping, rejoicing, and throwing of high-fives. Good work team!!!

Back in the game, Aurian assured Andren that the party would rescue Jileneth or die trying, etc, etc. After this it was decided that the party had two important tasks before them: the first was to follow up on Bill’s dangling hint that Grizzler the Plot-Hooked Dwarf might have *gasp* some important knowledge for the party. The second was to meet Tauster in Thurmaster for a debriefing. Alright, so only Rosencrantz thought that second one was important but, believing in his friend’s superior intellect, Aurian offered to accompany him on the jaunt.

Bubble A: Rowyn, Nanoc, Vance, Erlan, and Dresden made their way to the half constructed bridge where Grizzler had been previously spotted fishing, but the landmark was deserted. At Garyld’s suggestion they hit up the Baron next. It was hopping like crazy due to the influx of people looking for safety, and the only clue the perceptive heroes had that Grizzler sat at the bar was a suspicious space between taller patrons. Accosting him with merriment, Rowyn offered to buy the son of a bitch a beer, and he eagerly consented. They had a grand old time for a few minutes until Rowyn talked the dwarf into stepping outside, where she probed him with questions regarding the mines. Each inquiry was like a needle to his skin. As if, right?

It became clear that the good dwarf was a former miner at the Garlstone mines, in the halcyon days of yore when the ore flowed like water and the dwarves bedded every wench from Milbourne to Selgaunt, etc. Not only that, he had a FUCKING MAP of the place and he was willing to sell it to us (fists pumped at this unexpected twist)! After a brief discussion about alternative forms of payment, someone sucked up the damage and threw down 20 gp for a map of the Garlstone mines. It was then that Rowyn and the others finally laid eyes on the names of the rooms in this twisted labyrinth. The Crab Petals? The Chamber of the All Hearing Gods? The Pallisaides of the Bill Give Us More Gold U Jerk? Who thought of this stuff, we wondered. Caverns that we had already explored seemed retroactively sinister, and we trembled at the thought of them.

And so on.

Bubble B: Hooves thundered as Rosencrantz and Aurian crashed through the Redwood on a Mission from God. But ho! With infinite cunning, they reined in at Kiuper’s where they FLASHFORWARD cursed his fucking name for being the worst combatant in the history of the fucking Realms and FLASHBACK stepped up to his door to seek the ranger’s aid. Aurian plied the noble woodsman with words of friendship and inspiration, convincing him to join them in their desperate plight, although he mentioned that the venture could be their last. Leaving Kiuper to prepare himself, they continued on to Thurmaster where Jason got up to take a break and Aurian masterfully filled in Tauster on every relevant detail the wizard/priest duo and friends had discovered. After realizing that Tauster had not a jot or iota of wisdom to dispense, the heroes left his tower, urging him only to protect the town should the worst occur to them. Back at Kiuper’s, they told the now readied ranger that oops, change of plans, meet us at the village tomorrow. Eyes narrowed, he accepted this modification to the arrangement.

Kiuper then did pulled out his short, stubby dagger and drove it into his own face repeatedly until Rosencrantz woke up with a gritty smile on his face, forgetting the wondrous dream almost instantly. Dawn had broken, and it was time to put it back together.

“I’ll put you back together,” Palfrey whispered as his hands made another arcane pass over the boiling green liquid in the cauldron. This time Aurian woke up, well rested from the luxuries of Carmen’s place, and set off to meet the party.

Grr was left with Naftan, I think, and the party set out to fuck some shit up at Garlstone yo. The air was practically singing with anticipation. Mid-way through the caves (we’re at the caves now) a stalagtite fell from the ceiling nearby, and was OBVIOUSLY a monster. Vance stepped carefully around to the wide base of the conical rock formation, and was greeted by some fleshy abomination of a toothy maw. He did not stay his sword hand. A rain of cherry blossoms fell as another foul creature passed from this earth; Pelor commands it.

At the top of the mine shaft two orcs awaited the party. Don’t even fucking ask me how they died, I can’t remember :( Sorry to whoever killed them! Your deeds were mad noble. I’m guessing that Nanoc and Vance had something to do with it. Of course, probably no one else remembers who killed them, either. In that case, it was Aurian. And it was fucking awesome.

At any rate, they’re dead. A tense week passed in real time.

Rowyn descended the ladder and, after a brief look around, gave the go ahead. The party made their way down the shaft. At some point heading forward (or maybe it was on the level above?) they passed a shimmering shape in the air which Rosencrantz noticed hanging there. The party, suspecting this apparition was a trap, gave the space a wide berth and avoided activating the dreaded Wyvern Watch altogether. The party continued on, taking a moment to inspect the left-hand cave where the moon eel had previously dwelt while Dr. Bow kept a guard in the main passage. Rowyn did her Sonic the Hedgehog impression and reported that nothing had changed. Lanterns were topped off at the first cabin. At the cabin in the main hall, Nanoc boosted Erlan up to examine the small, disheveled interior through a small window. Aurian passed him his lantern (PS Aurian and Rosencrantz have the lanterns) and Erlan noted that nothing appeared amiss in the cabin. The party continued onwards towards…

THE DOME
Cut to Rosencrantz crit failing on his rock-throw attack (Trainer: “Rosencrantz, use your rock-throw attack!” Rosencrantz: “Rosencrantz! Rosencraaantz!” System: “Rosencrantz failed it’s rock throw attack badly! Rosencrantz is embarrassed!”). Nanoc shoves the young wizard aside–unnecessarily really, as there’s plenty of rocky shoreline to stand on–and hefts a stone up and down a few times to appreciate its balance. Then he hurls the thing like a medieval Randy Johnson at maximum speed into the point of interest, a floating object of indeterminate type.

Re-cap: After reaching the chamber denoted as “The Dome” on their map, the party found a large pool of water with a pillar of rock rising from it, behind which they could barely glimpse SOMETHING. It was this something which Nanoc now threw perfect strikes at.

The object seemed to move in the water, but a second strike revealed that the force of the rock was causing it to stir, and not its own impetus. The general consensus rang out: it was a dead body. Aurian declared that he would remove his armor and swim out to capture the corpse, which (in-game explanation: could be Semheis) and (out of game explanation: is full of fucking treasure). There was much arguing but the noble priest finally convinced the party to let him attempt it.

Yes, Virgina, there really are deadly black fish things. Having swam halfway to the corpse, Aurian saw the razor-fins of his aquarian oppressors shear the surface of the still water like the teeth of a devil. He made an impossible roll on his swimming check and bolted back to the shore like a cartoon character before they could mar his beautiful person. Everyone chuckled at his folly but he marveled at his own initiative. Suiting up in armor again, he followed the others back to the main passage. Of course, soon enough they ventured into…

THE CRAB PETALS
Aurian noticed the silvery wire of an appendage stuck to his breastplate with a tense look of dismay. Was it something gross he’d walked through? As he turned back to his companions who followed behind, he was suddenly yanked at high speeds backwards into the room. Although he remained on his feet, waterskiing in reverse, the party watched as his lantern zoomed away from them and was jerked around a corner of rock outcropping. The left over illumination quickly dimmed. The priest of Sune had vanished.

Vance was already moving, but not before Rowyn. As the elven rogue darted ahead at lightning speed, she too felt some strange constriction and was pulled down to the cold and rough stone of the cavern floor. Vance, feeling her sudden passage more than seeing it, would have collided with the dragged elf in a tangle had he not leaped over the course of her passing in an incredibly badass way. As he broke right and charged after Aurian, Nanoc broke left and followed the elf. Rosie and Kiuper and Erlan followed the burly fighter, while Dresden chased after Vance. I’m going to totally cut to the chase here: this thing is a giant mantis with crab claws. Correction, these things. Plural.

Pulled up nigh into the crunching maw of the beast, Aurian rolled and tumbled to avoid the crashing claws and piercing fangs of his would be killer. He met with mixed success, finally succumbing to at least one horrid stab from the thing’s violent coercion. As hit hit points dropped into the red, John turned to see the look on my face as my beloved character died. But that would not be Aurian’s fate, I decided. Despite being held down by the creature’s claws, Aurian manged to push up enough to throw a spell into its insectoid eyes. In a flash of brilliant white, the mantis reared up and uttered an ear splitting hiss, affording Auri the opportunity to roll away. As its forelegs jetted out, they found no purchase on the canny priest. It was then that Vance and Dresden appeared. The fighter would suffer no contest from this fiendish foe, and hacked into it with the fury that only an indignant Cormyrian can muster. Black and brackish ichor flew everywhere under the prestige of his blows. Then we discussed how to pronounce ichor. Then Dresden, running up the very claw of the beast with a quick-stepping nonchalance that all the girls find exciting, drove his enchanted rapier into the face of this malcontent dreadling with mucho fucking gusto. He landed on the ground in a flourishing pose as the monster collapsed behind him and a gout of blood arched o’erhead. It was awesome AND HAPPENED EXACTLY LIKE THAT, REGARDLESS OF WHAT U REMEMBER, OK.

Meanwhile, Kiuper crit failed fifty three fucking times until we wrested his character sheet away from Bill and put it to the sword. But we didn’t really, though.

But honestly, he dropped his sword. Nanoc screamed for the ranger to clear out of the way so he could smash the shit out of the offending bug-crab, but as Kiuper backed up, Rosencrantz forced an enchanted dagger into his hands and shoved him back into the fray, where Nanoc again shoved him away. Then Nanoc missed a bunch of attacks. It was a sad time for the Republic. Erlan kept to the shadows and waited to see who would die while Rowyn tried to maintain her cool while being stabbed and crunched by pincers. It was not a pretty sight. Lets just skip ahead, can we? Nanoc kills it with a massive sword blow and it explodes everywhere in a display of ultimate GROSSNESS. Rowyn and Aurian are half-dead. PS there’s no fucking treasure in the room either, thanks for playing assholes.

FAIRYLAND
Aurian cast a cure spell on himself and, with Dresden’s help, got most of the sticky ichor and web thingy off. Rosencrantz alerted the rest of the universe to the party’s presence by screaming at Kiuper with a series of invectives that I withhold due to the relative modesty of this f-bomb laden account.

With wisdom befitting only the most exalted of priests, the party decided to move swiftly through the next area, a movement inhibiting, geode reminiscent mo’fucka and they did NOT explore the small chamber that it seemed to enclose, thank God. Bringing us to…

THE CHAMBER OF THE ALL HEARING GODS
Disclaimer: I know I’m going to fuck up more than a little of this description. For one thing I’m not sure if there were two or four orcs, nor do I necessarily remember the exact order of events. Please feel free to correct all the mistakes. Anyway:

As Rowyn darted forth speedily into the cavern, the description of which escapes me entirely, two horrid, pig-faced orcs dashed from the shadows of an alcove and cut her down. From the party’s vantage point, it looked for all the world like they had run her through. Nanoc uttered a cry of rage and charged forth, even as the party noticed a contingent of five zombies which had waddled out from some dusty corner and were desceding toward Rowyn’s fallen body, probably to feed. Icky.

Aurian had had enough, however. Raising his hand, he froze the zombies in their place with a judgment from Sune. Fear filled their empty sockets as the turned and attempted to shamble away from the agent of justice who’s passionate fury they had so foolishly roused. But they got nowhere, and neither did the orcs–Rosencrantz stepped forward like Peter Fucking Parker and, cracking wise no doubt, shot from his fingers a web that filled part of the cavern and ensnared both orcs and several zombies.

Vance was already in the think of things, though. Having been following Rowyn at a close range, he held an advanced place in the cavern and was there to meet the next wave of attackers, including zombies that came streaming out of a farther passage and possibly some orcs (it was damn hard to see with that web everywhere).

Vance proved, as he often does, to be unhittable. Swinging his shield about like a Greek warrior, he took turns rebuffing the useless clanging of claws and weapons against his invulnerable person and piercing his adversaries with well aimed thrusts. No movements were wasted; his was an economical program of murder. The rest of the party was impressed.

Nanoc, meanwhile, was surrounded on several occasions by zombies and forced to resort to his trusty dagger, which he used to punch holes through people. Having slaughtered a number of the foul denizens of Cyric’s ill love, he stepped forward to greet the hearty orcs as they emerged from the web, and felled them with swift and clean blows to the neck region. Much blood was spilled by his insatiable appetite for destruction.

Erlan made his way down the cavern’s length, marveling at the tenacity of the dirty humans, and letting the moon’s hand fly where it would. He was probably the one, along with Vance and Rosencrantz, who spotted Shilek emerge from the distant passage and then retreat back into it. He rushed forward while Rosencrantz begin preparing his most important spell of the venture and Vance fought through waves of undead. Like a wrecking ball, Nanoc crashed through his opponents to get close to the now retreated priestess.

With all eyes focused forward, Dr. Bow began to shine. He had rushed forward to Rowyn when she fell, reaching her in time to bandage her wounds and administer treatment. Then he threw back his head with a laugh of bardic chivalry and began slaying the enemy army en masse. Where a zombie stood, a rapier would flash, and Dresden had soon assembled a crew of corpses about him. Dashing here, sliding there, his dextrous blade performed its fearsome work. By the time the battle had ended, the humble level 2 Bard had slain at least six zombies, and wounded more. Good work, Dr. Bow!

In contrast: fuck you, Kiuper. Fuck you.

In the instant that Shilek and Imrin emerged from their passage and began to cast, they were toast. Rosie beat them both on initiative and threw a second web their way, submerging the priestess in the fibrous strands while the male priest rolled away. Coming up, Imrin attempted to regain control of his zombies from Aurian, who cut a dashing figure a million miles away from everyone else as he slowly advanced, locked in mystic concentration. A battle of wills began; the zombies, confused, stood still as Aurian’s eyes grew more intense and Imrin’s sinister brown knit in concentration. Then it was over–like a thunderclap had gone off, Imrin’s head shot back in rage as a smile broke on Aurian’s face. The zombies continued to flee. The power of the young priest had overcome the darkness.

As Imrin reeled back, however, Vance (I think?) was there to meet him with a sword blow, and Nanoc wasn’t far behind. Erlan commanded the priest to fall and he did, allowing the party’s muscle to fuck his shit right up. Aurian, having released the zombies he just fought hard to keep, sprinted down the cavern for the finale. Imrin leaped back to his feet. Everyone rolled what would be an intensely important initiative. Scott got a 1; I got a 3.

Nanoc struck first with darts, but his initial shot went wide and Imrin continued to cast some hideous portent. The priests baleful face glowed with malevolence as he neared the completion of his spell, quickening his pace. But Aurian was faster. Taking a play from his comrade Erlan’s book, he commanded Imrin to fall, and as the priest hit the ground, Rosencrantz’s magic missles sliced his prone body. They were right on the money. Imrin was dead.

He was dead, and Shilek was bound up in the web, and the players howled with delight and began to set about with finishing off the four or five remaining zombies, which they quickly accomplished–some at the hands of Dr. Bow, some by Vance’s, and some by Nanoc’s own sword.

After helping Rowyn to her feet, they surveryed the carnage, and considered the prospects of taking a priest of the fell god Cyric as their prisoner.

TO BE CONTINUED